“Fucking Northern Monkeys!”

Barry the Baptist, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

London turns your snot black.

My granny used to say that to us when we were kids. She also made the worst dumplings on the face of the earth. Honestly, the Dambusters could have used them to take out half the Ruhr Valley.

I’ve never touched a dumpling since and never will again. So I didn’t give much credence to her snot statement. I don’t think she had any scientific data to back this up – this was pre internet. But this was a woman who couldn’t properly mix flour, water and salt.

Anyway, I’ve been to London many times since, and my snot stayed clean as a whistle. Time to test her shit theory once again though, as I’m off down to the Capital for a few days.

This is my second time in the city this year. In March, during the peak of Marathon training, I came here for a Cup Final, and spent three days in an alcoholic stupor.

This is a very different trip though. Business rather than pleasure. I’m here with work, visiting our London office with some quite important things to do while l’m here. So it’s professional head on time.

I haven’t been to the London office in a couple of years. Last time, I got a few runs in from Blackfriars to Westminster. It was great to take the chance to run along the Embankment (the bits that weren’t dug up) as this is the last section of the London Marathon.

Having said that, the A3211 road the Embankment runs alongside is busy as a bastard, even early in the morning, which made it quite noisey – not exactly a serene plod along the river. So this time round, I’m aiming for the other side of the Thames, the South Bank.

I arrive early Sunday evening, check into my hotel, then head out for a walk to stretch the legs and get in some recce for a route.

I’m right next to St Paul’s, so I cut through it on my way to the river. Quite nice innit.

I walk along the Embankment side first to see if it’s any better than two years ago. Meh, not really. They still haven’t finished the work and, crucially, you can’t get under Blackfriars Bridge, which means crossing the busy bridge road instead.

I follow this all the way to Westminster Bridge and cross to the South side. It’s a Sunday evening, but it’s heaving with tourists. I’ve therefore made two easy decisions – I’m not running the Embankment this week, and I’m not running in the evenings.

South Bank is also rammed full of people. However, this side of the river is all pedestrianised. So there will be no traffic to negotiate or avoid getting hit by. Also, at 6am it won’t be teaming with people.

Right. Recce done, mind made up, time for an early night.

I’m up and out for 6am and, this being London, 6am here is very different from 6am anywhere else. It’s a nice morning, although we’re starting to feel that slight chill in the air now the days are getting shorter. Winter is coming.

There are two busy roads to cross over, one before St Paul’s and another after. However, both are quiet and I safely get over without stopping or getting hit by angry Black Cab driver or a Lime bike.

Dangerous part over, I’m on the Millennium Bridge. I look left and the view is iconic. I’m running over the Thames, with Tower Bridge just in the distance. Straight ahead of me, sits the Tate Modern.

I’m now on the South Bank and, as predicted, it’s quiet. There are still a few runners about though for 6am – I’ll pass quite a few between now and when I finish.

I’m heading West, towards Westminster Bridge. The plan is to turn when I get there and head back to where I started, making it 3.5 miles ish. I think.

I’m really enjoying this run. I feel great for a start. The lack of traffic and people makes this a far better experience than when I ran on the Embankment the last time. I mentally back slap myself for making this decision.

I pass under and through Blackfriars Bridge, the OXO building, Waterloo Bridge, the Jubilee Gardens, the London Eye, before I arrive at Westminster Bridge. I feel so good, I decide to carry on for a bit. Why not?

So rather than turning, I continue through the tunnel under Westminster Bridge. Out the other side, to my right, I have the Houses of Parliament.

Much more interesting and poignant however, is what is on my left. The Covid Wall. An at first unofficial memorial wall where relatives could leave hearts and tributes for their loved ones in plain sight of Parliament, it is now officially recognised and here to stay.

I’ve seen it on the news, but it’s far more powerful seeing it in the flesh. I decide to run to the end of it, just before Lambeth Bridge, before turning and going back the way I came.

My initial plan was to stop once I get over the Millennium Bridge and then walk back up the hill to my hotel, but I feel so good that I run back all the way. It’s a 5 miler in the end, further than initially planned, but a very enjoyable run.

Remembering that I’m actually here to work, I demolish a well earned Premier Inn breakfast, and have a very productive rest of the day in the Office.

I repeat this run over the next two mornings, cutting it slightly shorter on the Wednesday as it’s forecast to absolutely piss down, which it does a mere seconds after I finish.

It being London, I do see some odd sights over those three runs. One morning there is a very pretty and very nice dressed young lady sitting on a bench overlooking the Thames, doing some knitting whilst smoking a huge spliff.

Another morning I pass a guy dressed very boho and, for some unknown reason that I wish I had asked, carrying a Bugle. I’m not sure if he was off somewhere to announce the sunrise.

There is also the sad and bad of London. I do pass homeless people hunkered under the bridges, trying to keep dry and warm. Stuff like that keeps you humble.

Then there was the guy, and remember this is 6am, just sitting on a bench and very loudly watching porn on his phone. Just to clarify, he wasn’t doing anything lewd to himself or anyone else, just watching porn on full max volume. Amazing stuff.

All in all, a great work trip. 13 miles of iconic running along the South Bank to keep me ticking over for the Great North Run at the end of the week.

Shame it turned my snot black.