“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious”

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars: A New Hope

Before we start, a disclaimer. I ran and wrote a review of this race back in the heavy days 2019, when masks were worn only by Surgeons and people rang into work sick with the throwaway expression of ‘the Flu’, when it was literally either a cold or a hangover. In it, I explained the rivalry between my city and this one and I would therefore be littering the post with lots of derogatory comments. All with my tongue firmly in cheek. In short: Bantz! Nothing has changed. This review of my revisit to the home of the serial Play Off Bottlers (Bantz!) will be no different.

Way back in the parallel universe of 2019, I ran this in a very pleasing 1:54:19. Anything sub-2 hours is a win for me. Sub 1:55 and I’m ecstatic. It was a pretty warm day as well and I’m not great in the heat. Or the wind. Or snow to be honest. I like calm and cloudy. Anyway, I liked this run a lot and signed up straight away for the next one. So, I was therefore originally down to run this in 2020.

I’m not sure if you remember 2020, it’s the year we all stayed indoors and everything got cancelled. My place was deferred to the 2021 event instead. No bother. Then, a few weeks beforehand, they announced the plans for the run – part of which would be that there would be no baggage area. Which was a massive pain in the arse, as I was travelling on public transport on my own from the proper City with a Cathedral (Bantz!) 10 miles up the road. When I enquired about a deferral or a refund, they said too late. So, I couldn’t run it and I was a bit annoyed with them to be honest. They blamed the City Council for it (probably true tbh) so I was out of pocket and not taking part.

However, seeing as I’m not an arsehole who holds grudges and Event organisers have had a hideous 2 years, I forgave them for keeping my 30 odd quid and signed up again for 2022. Sunday May the 8th 2022, to be exact.

Firstly, the logistics. In my review of the 2019 version of this run, I bared my soul and gave myself some free therapy by letting rip on the Tyne & Wear Metro (or the ’Fucking Metro’ as I call it). Despite my misgivings, it delivered on the day and got me to and from the Run with no issues whatsoever. An absolute fucking dream it was. But it was to have it’s revenge in 2022, it wasn’t going to be bastard on at all.

So, after some tough and thorough research (Google Maps and a bottle of Peroni) I found what looked like a pretty sound place to park on an Industrial estate about 15 minutes walk from the Start/Finish. So far, so good.

Then I get up on the morning of the run and…it’s sunny and warm. Not pissed up in Benidorm warm, but warm enough to make 13.1 miles more of a ball ache than it should be. I’ve mentioned in the past I’m not great in heat. It’s my North Sea genetics. My body isn’t happy unless it’s being smashed in the face with icy winds and sleet big enough to blind you. Not a great start.

I do however get parked no problem. I tool up with weapons to fend off the locals (Bantz!) and walk to the Start. On the way, I pass this place..

I make sure I tip toe around the Perimeter whilst crossing my fingers and spraying Holy Water (Bantz!). Actually, to be nice, it’s great to see that the 3rd Division of English Football has such nice Stadiums. I’m sure the Morecambe fans have plenty of leg room (Bantz!).

Where were we? Ah yes, Half Marathon. At the start it’s exactly the same drill as the last time. DJs talking shite, random stalls, a stack of portaloos, and the oh so predictable tribal groupings of Running Clubs. Bluh. I drop my baggage off (at the Peacock Pub again, interesting) and decided to stand in the shade for the 20 mins or so until we get going. The 10k is off first at 10am, and we’re due to start at 10:25am. And it’s def going to be a warm one. Bollocks.

I get into the Pen about 20 past and it certainly feels far more crowded than the last time I did this. If you’re one of these people still worried about COVID, then events like this really are going to test how much risk you’re going to take. Me, I’ve been pissing off to the match with 52,000 people every other week for the last year so I’m past caring. However, if you’re still a bit twitchy, this would send it into overdrive.

We eventually get going. I say eventually, it feels like we go off late (Strava would later confirm that we went off 4 minutes late) but as soon as we’re out it opens up with plenty of room. This is what I liked about the run the last time, there are only about 900 taking part. That’s about 60k less than the GNR so, you know, tonnes of space.

They’ve changed the route slightly, but as you can see from my Strava below, the first 9 miles are as random as before.

There are a couple of out and backs, which I personally hate. There is nothing more demoralising than knowing you’re going to just turn around and come back the same way at some point, especially when long before that turn Speedy McSpeedfuck from Gateshead Harriers goes hurtling past you at least a couple of miles ahead.

There are a couple of very noticeable changes though. We go through a nice park, bit of scenery we didn’t get at all on the first part of the run last time. Here is me in that Park bossing it like a bastard:

There also seems to be far more climbs than the last time. I’d remembered a couple of them, but there is definitely more. The heat makes you feel them all. Still, I’ve kept my pace fairly conservative and I’m doing ok. Feeling the heat, but not suffering especially. Sub 2 hours easily on.

After 9 miles of that, we’re out of the mean streets, over the Lego Bridge (Bantz!) and onto the last 4 miles of the pretty bit. The Riverside, Beach, the Native American Burial Ground of Roker Park (Bantz!) then back over the Duplo Bridge (Bantz!) again.

And this is where it starts to unravel.

You wouldn’t think it as we hit 10 miles on the Riverside. Look at me, two thumbs up, grinning like a simpleton, not a care in the world.

I get onto the Sea Front and suddenly I feel like the heat has got to me. For the first time in a long time I feel my energy levels on a run just drop, and I’m no longer comfortable. It’s going to be a slog. And it was.

I climb into the Park I cannot name (Bantz!) and it really is hitting me now. I keep going, but I really am slowing down now. The only good news is, it feels like everyone else is struggling as well. I’m a middle of the packer currently in with other middle of the packers and we’re all feeling it. I really, really struggle on the long road back along the top of the Sea Front to the Bridge. It’s awful. Probably the worst I’ve ever felt finishing a Half. It’s come from nowhere as well, and I can only really put it down to the heat. Or possibly the fat.

Still, I activate the jets for the crowds at the Finish and come home in 1:57:42, finishing a nice middle of the packer 438th. To empahsise just how appalling my last few miles were, my last 2 mile was all over 9 min mile pace. That’s well below par for me. Last time I ran this I did it 3 and half minutes quicker. I was on for that again, until it all fell apart. Remember kids, you have to run all 13.1 miles.

So, we’ll put this one down as a ’Meh’ I think, by my standards. I struggled in the heat and fell away poorly in the last 5k, but it was still a sub 2 hour Half and yet again a well organised and enjoyable run. If it had been 10 miles.

Well done Sunderland again though. I write this the day before they’re due at Wembley in the Play Off Finals. I do wish them a sincere good luck and hopefully I’ll return next year and pass a 2nd Division Stadium. BANTZ!

Back to the drawing board, it’ll soon be GNR time…